talking in code: talking about place in the 21st century

at JFK.

off to LAX
then HNL.

in a few hours, Megan and Matiu will be following my flight path to LAX
but then they're heading to WLG via SYD.

when did these three letter acronyms become a part of my pepeha?

Ready...

Megan and I are up on the computers, mostly-packed suitcases lined up in the lounge. Matiu is fast asleep. A last small load of washing is whizzing around in the dryer downstairs. We had lunch with Anne & Michelle and their kids, and dinner with Sarah.

This is the last nite in Toronto for Megan and Matiu, and the last nite I'll be here until I get back from Hawaii...

Both of us have been packing for a return 'home,' to places with warmer climates and familiar (and familial) people. Tomorrow we'll have waffles and juice for breakfast and get on a plane for New York City. A final nite together there, tomorrow nite, before we head away to our respective destinations.

And... we're both *stoked* that our bags are packed tonite and we've got the evening in NYC together, because it means that (unlike how last nites together often go) we won't be doing a final panicked pack before leaving~! This means that tomorrow afternoon and evening will be all about Megan, Matiu and me in the big city. We'll get to pick what we want to do, go where we want to go, see what we want to see.

Just the three of us amigos. Bittersweet, relaxed, together.  

countdown...

It's the second to last nite that Megan and Matiu are here with me in Toronto... we farewelled Nadine tonite... bags are mostly packed, things are in piles, passports at the ready. Because I fly to Hawaii for a few days, I'm in the midst of packing too.

Today was lovely: lunch with Daniel, Nadine, Megan and Matiu at Caplansky's, an amazing Jewish Deli that my Saami colleague Rauna had introduced me to a few months ago. After giant piles of meat (yum!), we headed in various directions: Daniel went to start his drive home to Penetanguashene; Matiu and Nadine went to the movies; and Megan and I went to an amazing place called 'Body Blitz' which, contrary to its energetic sounding name, is a women's spa of sorts. Nadine had given Megan and I vouchers to go to Body Blitz for Christmas (and a promise to look after the kid while we were there) and it was awesome!

Basically a version of public baths, the place had a series of pools (a salt pool, a green tea pool, an icy cold pool) as well as a sauna and steam room. They provided you with a plan for a cycle of the pools: soak in a warm pool, cook and sweat in a hot room, freeze yourself in the icy pool, and so on. It was invigorating, sure, but also very relaxing. Megan and I loved it - it was such a treat! Megan and I talked about how the price of such things can seem prohibitive, and for many people it is, but for many people (including us) it is a matter of prioritising - the same amout of money could be frittered away on random food and clothes purchases, for example, but it could be spent on this. Put in these terms, it is still a treat - but not impossible!

We met with Nadine and Matiu at a chocolate cafe, 'Soma,' afterwards - and then all came home to a meal of family favourites: 'Hoku's Brother's Pasta' with salad and garlic bread for the main, and apple and pear crumble for dessert. How delicious.

These days are so precious - it is such a privilege to be here, to get to do this stuff, to have the time and money to do these things... but it's not all about time and money. Sometimes it's about cracking up at a deli over a photo which captured a hilarious shot - sometimes it's about the thoughtfulness of a friend to gift an afternoon with my sister - sometimes it's about hearing Matiu and Nadine talking about the movie they saw (Hugo) with such enthusiasm, even though they were enthusiastic about remarkably different things ('it's about a boy who lives in a railway station' said one; 'it's about film itself and the early 20th century and WWI' said the other) - sometimes it's about making, cooking and sharing a crumble which has been made from something that has, as Matiu proudly explained, become a secret family recipe.

Awesome. Delicious, Precious.

Yum.

late nite questions

I didn't blog last nite and I almost didn't blog tonite either. Late nites sitting up working on things; I find myself working or relaxing with Megan or reading until I'm almost keeling over asleep, then admit defeat and don't blog, preferring sleep to all else.

I'm asking myself a question at the moment. A big one. It comes up more often late at nite - the witching hour, the darkest time, the moments when things seem more stark and more urgent than during the day or early evening - and I have no doubt that in 5 minutes when I'm lying on the couch, in PJs and trying to follow through on my present tiredness by falling fast asleep, I'll be pondering this question once again.

To status quo? Or not to status quo?

p r o c r a s t i n a t i o n

So, it's nearing the end of January. Megan and Matiu go home at the beginning of next week, and I fly to Hawaii. The list of things 'to do' is being rivalled by a parallel list: 'things I should have done by now.'

When I started this sabbatical, I thought I would have time to read, write and relax. It turns out that once you take on a few commitments, realise just how much you needed to relax (read: sleep, ecause you haven't done that enough for the past few years), and then take on another few commitments, things start to get  out of control.

I thought that by now I'd be looking at a virtually-empty email inbox, that 'i's would be dotted and 't's crossed. That somehow I would be a different, better me. I am starting to realise, though, that sabbatical isn't a chance to be a better me but a chance to find out how to be me in a better way.

I'm a procrastinator, an over-committer and a person who doesn't take enough time to relax (and then needs to compensate at some point). I tend to think things will happen more quickly than they do, that things won't take as long as they do, that I can squeeze just one or two more things into my schedule. A year away from the usual job wasn't going to change that; it was just going to slightly shift the content of my days and the nature of the things I'm trying to squeeze into them.

But hey, it's not all about me. Some other people procrastinate too. They think that the sheer passing of time will magically produce the desired results rather than that the passing of time simply providing opportunities for the same things to take place and the same habits to become entrenched, even where the content and nature shifts a little. They think there's no need to address their bad habits which have become so normal over the years that it's hard to imagine an alternative way they could have been done or, indeed, an alternative way they could be done in the future. They keep putting things off, waiting for another day, pretending there's nothing wrong even though they know deep down that there's something distracting them from  being able to relax and be themselves.

Yep, I'm talking about you, Australia.

Today's Australia Day and Invasion Day. Stop putting off the inevitable: suck it up and face your bad habits. Stop pretending it will go away if you ignore it for long enough. Sort it out!

home, then home, then home, then home. then home.

Home.

We're back in Toronto - Megan, Matiu and I left Ohio this morning (sad to leave!) and drove back to Canada, stopping off at a couple of places along the way to make the most of having wheels before we have to take the rental car back tomorrow.

Then home.

Next week I'll be in Hawaii for most of the week! This place is definitely a second home to me - by all kinds of definitions: it's in our lovely shared ocean; I have people there who are like whanau to me; the land is amazing and I have some great memories which connect me to the place.

Then home.

Yep, back to Toronto again for a few days - some teaching, some research, some writing, a bit of packing.

Then home.

Aotearoa. The alpha and omega of 'home' for me. I'm home for just under two weeks, and plan to love every moment! I'm writing a list in my head that's a mile long of food I want to eat, places to go, people to see, etc... I'll also get to see the new home I have bought without actually going inside! - this will be very exciting: my first 'home' in a house-owner-ish sense. Oh, and I'll get to Auckland of course, while I'm there; although Wellington trumps anywhere else for 'home', nothing can replace the years I spent being raised in (and by) the lovely city which Karlo Mila so aptly describes as an octopus... 

Then home.

I'll be back in Toronto by the end of February, and will be coming via Australia... Sydney has become a kind of home to me over the past few years too, especially with Auntie Nanie being there, and now I've got even more relatives who have hopped the ditch and are living it up in Poihakena! After Sydney, I'll be back in Toronto - which will be home until June. But also, I suspect, another place which stays a 'kind of' home for me for much, much longer.

Ohioblog

On Friday we dove down here to Chardon, Ohio, to stay with our dear friend Des and her family (husband  Kevin and gorgeous kids Sam and Jordan). It has been a great few days - quite a bit of talking! Plus some sledding, a marathon trip to an outlet mall for shopping, a snowman & deer in the backyard, heaps of trips down memory lane, giggles and stories with the three boys (Sam, Jordan, Matiu), some great eating, a bit of singing, some pretty dresses, a skype chat with Mum and Dad, snow angels, late nite Turkish food, lots of laughs and fun times, and a few tears too. Happy tears.

a sore throat from yelling :)

Tonite we took Matiu to see a University of Toronto Men's Basketball game. Megan and I wore Toronto sweatshirts, Matiu got a sticker and sheet of temporary tattoos as we walked in, and the three of us sat down to enjoy the game.

Toronto isn't exactly a school which is best known for its outstanding and amazing sports talent, but this was pretty close to the movies: there were cheerleaders, plastic tubes to clap together, tall lanky basketball players, people rushing about with black and white striped referees outfits on, loud music and popcorn.

And, to add something a bit different this time, two NZers who grew up watching rugby and who believe the magical connection between a team and an audience which is produced through the bridge which is in turn formed by a constant and enthusiastic string of screamed feedback, tips, instructions and excitement. Megan and I yelled, and Matiu sat between us joining in whenever he could come up with a yellable line, and we felt great. As we walked home, I felt even better: a slight sore throat, evidence of having attended a good sports game and participated to the best of my ability.

:)

does it feel like home?

As we sat in a taxi at 12.30am, speeding along the motorway in Toronto, heading home to my place from the airport after a lovely few days in Edmonton, Megan asked me 'does it feel like you're coming home?'

It does.

last nite in edmonton

The talk at University of Alberta went well, hamburgers and fries and dessert were delicious, and I just sat up talking - again - late into the nite. It has been a lovely day: extreme cold (-30C, or -43C including windchill) and beautiful snow-covered everything; great discussions and laughs; a bit of knitting; and lots to think about. A perfect end to a perfect trip.

the kitchen table

My favourite poem in the world is "Perhaps the World Ends Here" by Joy Harjo. It starts like this: "The world begins at the kitchen table. No matter what we must eat to live..."

One of the things I love about the poem is that it celebrate the normalness, the complexity, the simplicity of being Indigenous. And, more broadly, of being human. I have spoken about this poem with high school students, university students, and at a graduation address at the university marae... and I have always enjoyed experiencing the poem over and over with all of these different groups.

The thing about the kitchen table is that it is a domestic, family-centred, relational, food-related, hospitable, collective, intimate space. The poem celebrates the centre of a world rather than its categories: land, family, genealogy, the environment, colonialism, resistance and sovereignty are all present in the poem, but they are all connected through the centre of the table rather than, for example, another centre like government, tribal structure, political status or theory. The kitchen table at the centre is a place where being Indigenous is practiced rather than a place where it is merely talked about. This is not merely where we talk but it is where we do, show, be.

This evening as I sat around the table here with Chris and Megan, recalling the meals shared here today with Nish, Matiu and other guests, I became aware again of the kitchen table. Chris, Megan and I talked about Maori and Metis identity categories and history, and Chris gave Megan and I an introduction to the history of this place. As I sipped my coffee, I realised this conversation about history and memory and family and being who we are in relation to others was yet another instance in a long line of instances in which these discussions had happened. Metis history (and, yes, Maori history) is recorded in books and film and legal documents and complex oral narratives, but it is also transmitted through conversations around tables while people sit up and talk late into the nite. Sure, the kitchen table is a metaphor: it's land, it's home, it's creation... but it's also the kitchen table where cups of tea and food and shared throughout the day and, in this case, late into the -25c Edmonton nite.
****************************************************************

Perhaps the World Ends Here

The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what, we must eat to live.

The gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the table. So it has been since creation, and it will go on.

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the corners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that children are given instructions on what it means to be human. We make men at it, we make women.

At this table we gossip, recall enemies and the ghosts of lovers.

Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms around our children. They laugh with us at our poor falling-down selves and as we put ourselves back together once again at the table.

This table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.

Wars have begun and ended at this table. It is a place to hide in the shadow of terror. A place to celebrate the terrible victory.

We have given birth on this table, and have prepared our parents for burial here.

At this table we sing with joy, with sorrow. We pray of suffering and remorse. We give thanks.

Perhaps the world will end at the kitchen table, while we are laughing and crying, eating of the last sweet bite.

 

 

 

 

"Perhaps the World Ends Here" from The Woman Who Fell From the Sky by Joy Harjo. Copyright © 1994

familiar, unfamiliar, familiar

This evening Nish and Chris hosted a lovely party here at their home to celebrate the beginning of semester and welcome Megan, Matiu and me to Edmonton. We had a great time... a few students and staff from the uni here came, and we all did that thing you do at relaxed gatherings of good people: drink a bit or not at all, eat a lot, talk, laugh, and sing a few songs... we could be here, we could be at home.

Looking around the room at one point, I found myself clocking familiar and unfamiliar things: some references I didn't get, some songs I didn't know, some of the people I was meeting for the first time; but much of it felt comfortable and, in some ways, I could have been anywhere. Well, anywhere like this.

Meanwhile, my house in Waiwhetu has been slept in, eaten in, enjoyed, visited, straightened up and unpacked into... I've now seen quite a few photos with my familiar furniture and dishes and linen, and have also been searching the photos to figure out parts of the new house which are unfamiliar, new, unique. It turns out, my houses always look like my houses - even when I haven't even been in them yet! Familiar, unfamiliar, familiar. Family, unfamily, family. That's me.

edmonton

Megan, Matiu and I are in Edmonton, Alberta. We're staying with friends Chris and Nish, having flown here from Toronto today.

We've had a lovely afternoon and evening hanging out with these guys, catching up, telling stories and (in my case) untangling some wool and knitting a few more rows of a scarf. It's great to be with mates in their home.

Meanwhile, back in NZ, I have a home of my own now... and mates and whanau have been moving my stuff in there today. I've seen photos and it looks great! 

I'm at home and at home; neither are home... but both of them are filled to the brim with people I love :)

a house, a home, a whare

So, I've kept this bit of news under wraps... but today's the day the process is finished and I can share my exciting news: as of today, I own this lovely letterbox!

Oh, and the house behind it. Yep, and the land they're on.

Actually, the land is in Waiwhetu, so really it's my land anyway... but after a couple of hundred years of water going under the bridge etc etc, the land has come back into the possession of this Te Atiawa girl.

Tomorrow a crew of relatives and friends will 'move me in' even though I presently live in Toronto and I won't get to see the whare until February when I'm home for a quick visit. I'm totally humbled by the generosity of everyone who is contributing to the shift... and especially by Mum and Dad who have worked hard to be my arms and legs (and occasional wallet) during this process. This is what a home is, right? A place where friends and family spend time... an open place, a collective place, a place associated with relationships and land.

Exciting times indeed... my very first house. Wherever the future takes me, I'll have this house (and land and, yes, letterbox) to come home to.


(Tonite's blog 'location' is in honour of my whare.)

family movie

Tonite Megan, Matiu and I watched the movie Waterhorse - and then near the end we were joined by Daniel who came to stay too. I was feeling like a movie we'd all enjoy (a 'family' movie as they're called), and I didn't feel like watching a cartoon, and also didn't want one that was all individualistic or competitive... just a nice family movie like we used to watch when we were younger. You know, like a 2000s version of The Sound of Music or Annie or ET. However, it turns out these aren't so easy to come by these days (yeah I know, I sound jaded and cynical) - so I scrolled through netflicks looking for something to grab me and not finding much at all. Matiu kept chiming in as he saw the titles that were potential options, 'oh yes! that one!' but I kept vetoing them because they didn't fit what I was looking for.

In the end, we decided on Waterhorse which was about the Loch Ness monster and was set during WWII. Actually I'd seen it before (something I realised once we started watching) and, it turns out, the film was partly made in NZ (something Megan and I realised once we started to recognise various actors)... but it was very enjoyable and exactly what I was hoping for...

After Matiu was in bed, Megan and Daniel and I had a discussion about these mythical 'family movies' I was remembering and started to wonder whether these actually existed anyway, outside the few above-mentioned classics and perhaps a couple more besides.

Indeed, some of the films and books we used to love are now somewhat questionable - we talked about books we'd enjoyed as kids which as adults we could now recognise as colonial/ sexist/ whatever... like, for example (and I'm gutted to say it) The BFG, the fabulous and amazing book I loved as a child and which I gave to Matiu for Christmas. We finished it a couple of nights ago, and I admit that I felt a little unsettled by the end of it...

Really? A story about an English girl recruiting the Queen of England to instruct the British military to go to a place that exists far, far away off the map in order to capture human-eating giants (which had been described as large, dark, with loin cloths and short dark hair and broken English) and bring them back to be kept in a kind of zoo? Really? REALLY? It was fun doing the British accents when reading aloud, but I wondered about the deeper story the book was telling about the rights and responsibility of European travel to distant lands in order to sedate and control the violent brutes who lived there... hmmmm. An over-reading? Perhaps. But a danger of contributing to a layering of narratives which normalise imperialism as an appropriate and natural - indeed a humane - structure? Hmmm, worth thinking about.  

I feel a bit sad to find that the story I loved has these other layers... and yes I do have to balance this with the fact that I loved the book when I was a kid and it therefore would have contributed in its own way to my love of reading...  I don't think you can wrap your kids in cotton wool, but when I look at Matiu and see the sheer detail he's taking in from the books we read and movies we watch, it doesn't feel like it's good enough to say 'but I enjoyed it!' It's true, but is it enough?

Q: what do you most want to do? A: write!

At risk of sounding like I've indulged in one too many magazine over the Christmas/ New Year break, and am about to start walking around telling people "you deserve it," "look after number 1," " and other such individualistic phrases, I find that when I am writing - really writing - I am doing something I love and something, dare I say it, that I was born to do.

NZ writer Katherine Mansfield wrote:

"What do you want most to do? That's what I have to keep asking myself, in the face of difficulties."

For me, at least now, the answer to this question is to write! I don't think this is all I should do, and writing would lose something of the magic if it wasn't balanced with other things that matter very much too, but I know that I have been sustained, challenged and nurtured through the act of writing for years.

It's like I find myself, or at least some important part of myself, when I find myself in the writing zone. I've never felt this way when running, but I believe runners and other athletes who talk about 'the zone' because I go there too... I lose - and yet find - myself there too.

This morning, and into the beginning of the afternoon, I was there: the zone, the place where nothing else matters and the words come faster than I can think them up. It's like an out of body experience, watching words appear, letter by letter, on the screen in front of me. I know what I'm writing, but I give in to the flow which runs best when I don't get in the way... I find myself writing not just content but form: turns of phrase, language tricks, word games, the pleasure of it all.

Some of it will stay and some of it will go, but for now let me admit that I have a paragraph in which I complain that so much criticism treats Witi Ihimaera and Patricia Grace as the only two Maori writers; as Bonnie and Clyde, the alpha and omega. Too much? Maybe. Compelling or funny enough to stay? Maybe. But for now, I know that I wouldn't have 'thought' my way through to these comparisons - I found it out there (or perhaps in here), in the zone.

Sometimes I wonder if writing is like chocolate: best enjoyed with full attention, one of my life's great pleasures, and always quietly underpinned by the exhilirating risk of becoming either mundane or overwhelming if I overindulge.  

Today I 'ate chocolate' after a couple of weeks off. Sitting at my table, typing furiously, I took a moment to savour the moment. I can still taste fragments on my lips tonite.

your reward: a trip to the office with auntie!

Matiu has been asking me constantly whether he can come with me to my office at the Uni of Toronto. Of course, I said he would be very welcome - although I wasn't sure when it would happen. At one point yesterday in Ottawa, during a quietly whispered brokering of bribery in which I attempted to keep Matiu's mind on the job of meeting his new relatives, I promised him he could choose something to do today which he wanted to do. On the train home, after he fell asleep, I relayed my promise to Megan, and we wondered whether he would have interpreted this as the chance to make a single request or a day in which he was the absolute prince, dictating his terms and activities for 24 hrs. Luckily, this morning when we followed up on the promise (Matiu never forgets such details!) he announced that his heart's desire was to "go to uni with Auntie Lala."

This was a relief (compared to trying to convince him the aforementioned moment of hissed bribery wasn't intended to secure him the right to ask for the entire universe to be handed to him on a platter today) but it was also a bit of a quandry, at least for me. This was the first day back, and people would be teaching or catching up on things before teaching later in the week! How much fun would he really have?

Also, I didn't really need to go into the office today anyway. However, in the light of the promise, I let him know that I was happy to go into the office to pick up some things and estimated it would take about 5 minutes. His little face fell, until I quickly ammended my estimate to 'at least half an hour.' Bizarrely but truly, he brightened up and looked forward to the trip all morning.

We went to Bloor St for lunch, something Matiu wasn't very impressed by - "I thought we were going to your office?" - and then had to run a few errands before heading home - "I thought we were going to your office?" - and finally we set off in the direction of Aboriginal Studies. Megan walked with us, planning to go to the U of T bookstore, and Matiu was a bit put out that she was going to accompany us until we assured him that she was bound for alternative (and quietly, in our view, funner) pastures.

We got to Aboriginal Studies and sure enough it was very quiet. Matiu, however, loved it!

He parked up on the table in the office I share with Daniel, tirelessly and enthusiastically drawing pictures, chattering or singing away to himself at times. I kept checking that he was okay and he kept assuring me that he was, and we ended up spending over an hour in there, me sorting through papers and catching up on a couple of emails, and him drawing.

On the way home, he skipped along, claiming he'd had a fantastic time. We went via the library where I had some books to return, and then we walked home talking about my job. "You've got the best job, Aunty Lala," he claimed... I agreed with him, and we talked about why. "What do you think I do?" I asked, and he rattled off a list of things that were actually as good a job description as I've ever heard.

Why does Matiu love being at work with me? Who knows. But as we walked, and while I've been at home this evening, I've taken the time to acknowledge that what I do is indeed 'fun' (even though sometimes the 'admin' side of things feels like the noisiest bit, it's really only the support act to the research/teaching main events)... and that sometimes it takes a 6 year old to claim that the emperor has no clothes or, in this case, that my job is indeed a privilege and source of joy.

Another gift of te tau okioki: time to spend with my beloved nephew... travelling together, 'working' alongside each other, and having the space in my head and time in my schedule to walk home from the library holding hands and talk about such things.

meeting family

Am tired, so won't blog all details about meeting Matiu's family in Ottawa... but we're home, safe and happy, after two very busy and exciting days travelling to visit the aunty and uncle of Matiu's father. Being Maori, we know the cost of losing touch with language and community (all Maori are affected by these specific results of the past 200 years, whether or not they themselves have the language or good connections with their own relatives/ genealogies) and on that basis we deeply value the connection Matiu has with his Eritrean side.

We were greeted off the train by Matiu's great-aunt and great-uncle (sister and brother of his grandmother) as well as the great-uncle's son who was a genial and warm feature of the weekend. We were looked after so well: gifts, visitors, food, drink... we have come home laden, full and a bit sleepy. Matiu was an absolute champion, rising to the occasion by being his sweet, sociable and happy self and allowing his relatives to connect with him even though it must have been quite overwhelming for his little 6 year old self.

This weekend in many ways was an investment: in Matiu's future, in his understanding of himself, in his relationship with his own father. Although the weekend was about connecting Matiu with his relatives, it was also a deeply moving experience for me... I was shown generosity, hospitality and warmth even though I'm really just the random girl whose sister had a baby with one of their nephews. And, as happens when you're on any roadtrip or journey with people - even people you know very well - I learned more about my sister and nephew this weekend as well.

I know that there will be stories I'll tell Matiu about this weekend, reminding him of the people we spent time with and things we did, but there are other moments I'll remember which have left a deep impression too: his resilience, politeness, enthusiasm, warmth and ability to recognise the need to place the needs of the collective over his own personal mood or desires. These qualities, I can now see, are valued and deliberately nurtured in the families on both sides of his inheritance.

At one point today, I spoke with his aunty about how many people love this child: "he brings two families together" we agreed. And he does.

early to bed, early to rise...

Today we had a trip to IKEA with Anne and wee Kingsley, then Kingsley (Matiu's new best mate) came back here for the afternoon... Anne came and picked up K after dinner, and Matiu was tipped into the bath, then bed.

Why the rush to get Matiu to sleep?

Tomorrow morning (early!) we're catching a train to Ottawa to visit Matiu's great-aunt; his father's aunt who has lived in Canada since leaving Eritrea. We're very excited to meet her and connect Matiu with some more of his family... who knows how things will go, but whatever happens I'm sure it will be great!

I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog tomorrow... and we get in really late on Sunday... so if there's another wee gap in communications over the next couple of days it's just because we're out of town, seeing more of Ontario, and - most importantly - meeting new family!

:)

the unbearable lightness of proximity

We woke up this morning - Megan, Matiu and me - at Anne and Michelle's place, where we'd gone for a 'movie nite' the evening before. After eating dinner together, the kids went downstairs and watched a kids movie on the TV while us adults sat up in the lounge and watched 'O Brother Where Art Thou,' a film all of us had intended to see since it was released in 2000 but which none of us had got around to watching.

It was a great moment which was all about proximity: the proximity of the Classical narrative of the Odyssey to the storyline set in the 1930s US South; the promixity of all of us in the house (great kids, dear friends, a sister and nephew); and the proximity - and distance - of memory... the movie reminded me of Dad, who loved the CD of the film soundtrack which he'd apparently played enough in my presence that parts of the film felt very familiar.

Today was also about proximity: after a lovely lazy morning at Anne and Michelle's place, Megan, Matiu and I spent the day together shopping and catching up and spending time. I had a shopping task I wasn't looking forward to, and Megan (and by default Matiu) came along as my moral support... Matiu wanted to check out a toy shop... and Megan wanted to visit a shop whose merchandise she'd only seen in magazines. We felt close together, the three of us, and caught the train to meet up with Nadine, who was in town today and who we were meeting at a favourite Indian restaurant before coming home for cups of tea.

We sat in the front end of the one of the new 'rocket' trains, which are not made up of separate carriages but one long open carriage stretching the entire length. This was very exciting - Megan and Matiu's first ride on the new trains, and only my second! However, as the train pulled into a certain station, we heard (and felt) a thud and people outside became hysterical. Megan and I realised immediately what had happened, and worked together to ensure Matiu was shielded from realising the event which had just taken place about 3 metres in front of us. We walked up the train, whose doors had been opened, and exited, dragging him away from the scene and walking to the streetcar stop nearby, explaining that we had decided to take ther streetcar instead.

One day Matiu may well realise what happened tonite. But for now, he doesn't need to know. Megan and I met with Nadine, who was excellent and immediately clicked to not talking about it in front of the kid... after we ate dinner together, had tea together back at my place, and had a family session of The BFG (in which I read the chapter aloud not only to Matiu but also to Nadine and Megan), Megan and I waved goodbye to Nadine and came back into the lounge. Once we knew Matiu was asleep, we talked a bit - and cried a bit - about what we'd been so close to earlier this evening. So, so close.

Often, being far from home means I start to think proximity can only be a godo thing. But sometimes, it seems, proximity is not so innocent.

bye bye baby

The Christmas tree has ben 'undecorated' and taken outside, Dominique has gone home to LA, I've moved the Christmas carols on my itunes into a separate file... it's properly 2012. One of my favourite Christmastime movies is Love Actually which includes the song 'Bye bye baby' performed by the Bay City Rollers and so I've had that song in my head a bit as we've been finishing off the Christmas season, including the last of the festive cookies and red-and-green-wrapped chocolates, and I suppose it won't be in my head again for another ten or eleven months.

Matiu the scientist

This morning it was so cold that Matiu and I stayed home while Megan accompanied Dom to the airport - and we decided (on the strength of his excitement about science at the moment) to conduct an experiment. We lined up 6 plastic cups and put different liquids in each of them (oil, water, fizzy drink, vinegar, maple syrup & water, and a mixture of all five), then put them outside. Every half an hour we brought them in and had a look at the freezing process for each: we recorded the state of each liquid, compared the liquids, and talked about why they might be behaving differently in the same conditions. We skyped with Mum and Dad and he went into great detail, describing the experiment and what we'd found. He's growing up, our boy!

'Bye bye baby' indeed.

reconnecting with work...

Dominique heads home in the morning. Life is starting to return to routine after Christmas and New Year. Of course, Megan and Matiu are here for the rest of the month and my sabbatical year continues to be an opportunity to have new experiences, go new places and try new things. 'Routine' for me this year isn't about returning to an office, but it's still about returning to a sense of keeping the sabbatical at the centre of most days.

So, after a morning of checking out the CN tower (from the ground!) and walking up Chinatown and having dumplings for lunch, this afternoon Megan, Dominique and Matiu went to 'the ROM' (Royal Ontario Museum) and I stayed home to get my head around work...

It's time to shift the pace again, to re-engage with the work-related commitments I've already made as well as to plan for the other things I'd like to do over the remainder of te tau okioki. I've got a lot of reading and writing to do over the next month and over the next six months. I've also got more things to reflect on and learn about how I deliver on my commitments: to my own projects, and to other people and organisations.

Megan, Matiu and I were playing charades on the subway in New York City, the day after they arrived in December. We play carades a lot over skype, and although we always did movies up until this particular day, we still started with the classic sign for 'movie,' holding the left hand in a fist and winding the right fist in a cycle beside it. I decided to act a book title instead, so started with the sign for a book: holding the palms of my hands together and opening them out like a book by moving my thumbs apart using my little fingers as the hinge/ spine. Matiu doesn't recognise this as a standard sign, because we haven't used it before, but before I get a chance to explain he excitedly shouted out "Book! The library!... Oh, I know... your job!"

Having taken a bit of a chance to relax over Christmas and New Year, I'm feeling refreshed and reenergised. I'm looking forward to making the most of this sabbatical opportunity, and continuing to remember something that Matiu takes for granted: this job of mine isn't just what tires me; it's what makes me tick!

First day of 2012...

A lovely relaxed lazy day at home today... lots of movies, chatting, snoozing, eating. Great!

I also spent some time working on a chart of all the things I want to do this year. I divided it up into sections: mahi (work), personal, financial and 'things I want to do.' This is a process I go through every once in a while...

I've always been a bit of a list-maker. A few years ago, when I found the diary I'd kept as a 16 year old, I was surprised to see the lists in there: people's names, things, ideas, goals... and I still make work-related lists, shopping lists, budgets, lists of dreams, lists of courses I'd like to teach, lists of books to read... pages and pages of words all lined up in rows, usually - because being a list-maker isn't a guarantee of inherent linearity - surrounded by additional clusters of words, ammendments, arrows and tick marks. 

So, I decided that today's list - well, this year's list really - would be made in a 'mindmap' style, with '2012' written in the middle' and little sticks going out from the centre, spider style, to each of the sections and then from these and so on so it creates a small cloud or, perhaps, something that looks like a multi-dimensional family tree. Then, with another colour pen I wrote words I associated with each of the goals and aspirations I have for the year.

Some words ended up showing up quite often: commitment, relationships, growth, responsibility, balance.

If I focus on these, and some of the others which appeared in specific parts of my multicoloured chart, I think it's going to be a good year.

:)

happy new year!

Had a great new years party at my place tonite... so much fun... now I'm exhausted... but so happy and looking forward to 2012.

Nga mihi o te tau hou :)